:: apr 8 2022, perspective ::

on the past.

and a year later or so, here i am.

i just finished digitizing all my old notes and journal entries to put here.. it's strange getting such a perspective on how much i've changed. i don't feel compelled to lay in bed and rot all day anymore. i go outside, i play guitar, i generally feel okay. my chronic fatigue hasn't completely gone away but it's easier to deal with now.

i somewhat understand how i felt last year before may. i came into consciousness confused and self-loathing, during a less than ideal period of time, and i couldn't really vent it out outside of writing. i had a limited amount of people to talk to, but i didn't let myself express much honesty with them incase i hurt them. it was lonely and in retrospect i don't blame myself for being as impulsive as i was. i took the opportunity to try to put a stop to it thrice, and i now see how fortunate i was to be brought back every single time. no matter how much i hated it back then.

i've learned to appreciate the air i breathe. the time i spend just existing, regardless of whether it's a depressive episode or a manic swing or something more normal. i don't try to hide from it anymore. i'm not scared of my own ability to live. it feels so much more real. i guess maybe that's why i'm looking back on everything now, trying to rationalize within reason how i felt.
there's still so much left for me to get a hold of for myself now but at least i have this done. i can fully move on. i don't know. maybe it feels just a little more important than it is, but i don't mind that. it gives me a feeling of use.

i could probably have said this a little more eloquently, but it's late and i'm ready to collapse into bed. that also turned out a lot longer than i intended it to anyway.. oh well.

i'll probably start writing things out more now that i remember how relieving it is.