:: feb xx 2021, home ::

on homesickness; doubt

i want to go home. i'm deathly terrified of this place and these people and who i am and i want to go home. i don't even know what or where home is but it's not here. something is begging me to get out of here. i know where but that's also not home. it's all uncomfortable. i can't stand being anywhere at all. it's all wrong and nothing fucking works and i can't deal with anything anymore. i know i'm here for a reason but god why can't i be more like you? you're rational and logical and confident and they like you. all they have on me is a vaguely adjacent nickname, a brief profile and a couple rants. it feels like all i ever do is complain and i don't know how to say anything beneficial. it's my fault and i wish i could just talk to people but i don't know how or when to learn.

i want to be asleep. i want to be unconscious in any way.

maybe i'll try.